


Breathing Through Silent Blocks

by dri_br



Series: Breathing Through Silent Blocks [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 10:42:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1263334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dri_br/pseuds/dri_br
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breathing through life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing Through Silent Blocks

**Breathing Through Silent Blocks**

  _Just five more minutes_ , Kurt silently promised, this time for real, as he watched Ben, yellow building block in hand, happily toddle and babble over to a smiling Noah. Together they added the new piece to the tower that, for the past half hour, they had been building up and putting down with lots of laughter and noisy – music to Kurt’s ears. Ben, in all his twenty-month old glory, wobbled around their multicolored masterpiece and, seeming satisfied with their work, plopped down in Noah’s lap, nuzzling his blonde head under Noah’s chin as Noah cuddled Ben against his – Versace forgive him – flannel clad chest.

 Walking from the kitchen to the living room in Noah’s open floor planned house, Kurt joined them on the carpeted floor. Noticing his father, Ben opened the smile that was all Sam’s ( today it didn’t hurt Kurt as much as it had yesterday ), and stretched his little arms to Kurt, who gladly picked up his son and cuddled him to his own chest. “Think your godson is finally ready to go to bed? It’s way past his bedtime.”

 Noah shrugged and smiled, caressing the baby’s hair. “He’s been less fussy. I guess he will drop off alright now.”

 “Good, because we have a schedule to keep and little boys are definitely to be in bed by then,” Kurt said, blowing raspberries against Ben’s smooth rosy cheeks. Ben squealed and clapped his little hands. His babbling “Pa!” and Noah’s warmth so close to his skin felt like a soothing balm to Kurt’s healing soul.

 “Sounds promising,” Noah said, wrapping his arms around Kurt and Ben from behind, “Will I get to collect my reward then?”

 “What reward?” Kurt shot back, leaning against Noah’s broad chest. Noah smelled so good; suddenly flannel wasn’t such a bad thing anymore.

 “For watching little Road Runner here while you cooked,” Noah clarified, nibbling Kurt’s earlobe. “Wanna dessert before dinner.”

 Kurt shivered ( less guilty than in the past ), turning his head to brush his lips, eyes open ( bolder than usual, considering his and Sam’s kid was still in his lap ) against Noah’s. “I’m not quite finished here yet, but get him ready for bed and I’ll see what I can do about it.”

 Lascivious lips turning up into a predatory smirk, Noah got them both to their feet before taking Ben back into his arms. “Come on, little buddy, time for bed,” Noah stated kissing Ben’s head, eyes never leaving Kurt’s as he took the baby upstairs to the bedroom Noah had converted into a nursery.

 With Noah and Ben busy upstairs, Kurt tentatively closed his eyes to take in something that this same time last year had caused him nothing but angst and despair.

 The silence no longer was the soundtrack of his misery.

 Despite the absence of sounds made of gibberish baby talk, the patter of wooden building blocks knocking each other to the floor and Noah’s booming laughter, Kurt could breathe without hurting. He could breathe for himself and not only for Ben or for his daddy, or even for Sam, who had made Kurt promise he would go on even if Kurt hadn’t wanted to, not without Sam.

 And here Kurt was, collecting the toys his and Sam’s son had left scattered around Noah’s living room, mere hours from the beginning of a new year, feeling… hopeful. Yeah, hopeful for the future, with the certainty that the lingering ache, the longing would still be there in the morning and be part of him for the next 364 days that would follow, probably for the rest of his life. But also so would Ben, and his daddy and… and Noah.

 The lamb in herb sauce and vegetables was cooking slow and easy in the kitchen. Oven timer set to go off in another hour, Kurt warmed up a bottle before joining Ben and Noah upstairs. He would help Noah settle Ben for the night and then…

 Then Kurt would keep breathing without feeling guilt.

 *****

 Back braced against the fogged tiled wall, Kurt offered the column of his throat to Noah’s tongue and lips as an ultimate sacrifice. Locks of mated hair trickled thin veins of water down fluttering eyelids and flared nostrils to disappear inside parted lips as he gasped Noah’s name over and over again. Rivulets of water moved down arms linked around Noah’s muscular back and shoulders, legs circling Noah’s waist, feet digging against Noah’s buttocks, urging his thrusts to go deeper and deeper inside of Kurt, heart beating like crazy against Noah’s.

  _Noah, Noah, Noah._

 “Fuck, baby!” Endless gasps against his skin. “So tight, so hot... So fucking amazing!”

 Their sizzling bodies melting the water coming from the shower head, cleansing lungs and opening pores, taking away everything that didn’t match, that wasn’t pure and weighed hard on Kurt’s shoulder over and over until Kurt’s release spluttered against their bellies and Kurt chocked in his own cry, Noah’s name dying in his lips for the last time as Noah let go and let go and let go inside of him promising he got Kurt, he got Kurt.

His feet never touched the floor. Noah was there, he was strong enough to carry the both of them.

Kurt just had to keep breathing on and on and on.

*****

_Papa! Nono! Papa!_

Back plastered to the flesh of a familiar front, warm breath ticking the short ends of hair in Kurt’s nape, a long arm laying heavily around Kurt’s bare waist, fingers entwined with his against a stomach that moved steadily if not lazily, Kurt at first didn’t know why he had slowly made the transition from a deep, restful sleep to wakefulness. Kurt tried to sharpen his senses and grasp whatever had pushed sleep from him, and there it was again, Ben’s on the verge of tears disembodied voice coming from the baby monitor, calling for him _and_ Noah.

Noah tightened his hold on Kurt, the pattern of his breathing changing, and Kurt knew he was awake, too. “Perfect timing,” Noah said, voice roughened by sleep, a hint of humor lingering there.

Kurt laughed softly, grog from sleep. “He hasn’t interrupted us in a while, Noah.” 

“Perhaps that’s his new year’s resolution, not screwing with us while I’m screwing you,” Noah grumbled, kissing the curve where Kurt’s neck joined his shoulder before rolling away. “Shit, it’s cold. Stay here and I’ll pick him up.”

 Kurt clicked on the lamp on his nightstand and pulled himself up against the bed headboard. The haze of sleep didn’t prevent him from admiring the sheer beauty of Noah’s naked backside, all rippling and sinewy muscles gained after years working in constructions sites. Kurt knew that he still did that from time to time, even if now they had a reliable crew to do the heavy work.

 Noah pulled on the pajama bottoms Kurt had ripped from his body when they had gone to bed and turned to Kurt. “Hopefully it was just a bad dream, and he will go right back to sleep.”

 “I’m afraid this is his feed-me-slash-I’m-dirty whine, Noah.” Noah grumbled another expletive, sleepy smile still in place, and went after his charge.

 Through the baby monitor, Kurt heard Noah speaking softly to Ben. He could imagine his son standing up in his crib, reaching his little arms clad in soft blue plush over the railing so Noah could pick him up, cuddle Ben to his bare chest after placing a lingering kiss in this baby’s soft hair. It hadn’t been supposed to be Noah doing this, and yet it was so right it frightened Kurt.

 Kurt sighed and stretched his arms, the bones in his shoulder and interlaced fingers popping to life before reaching out towards Noah’s side of the bed to steal his T-shirt. As the soft cotton slide down his body, Kurt wondered why he hadn’t pulled on his own pajama top, which was lying on a heap by the nightstand.

 No, he wouldn’t go there; not tonight.

 Less than five minutes later Noah was back with Ben in his arms.

 “Papa.”

 “We have any bottles left?” Noah asked, handing Ben to Kurt.

 “Get a small one, otherwise it will take him forever to go back to sleep.” Noah nodded and went in search of said bottle.

 The baby fussed a little when Kurt picked him up. The carbon copy of Sam his Ben was. From Kurt he had just inherited the perky nose and blue-greenish eyes, also, why not, a little bit of the bitchy personality. Sam’s boyish way and friendly self tampered the kid’s personality, and Kurt knew his son would grow up to be a fine young man.

 “We’ll show them, Benny boy,” Kurt whispered, swaying the baby back and forth. “We will show the world how fabulous we, the Hummel-Evans can be.”

 “No, No!”

 Kurt whipped his head around towards the door. Noah stood there, bottle in hand and eyes that even in the dim light showed awkwardness and longing for something Kurt wasn’t ready to give him, that Kurt felt still belonged to Sam, even if almost two years had passed since Sam’s passing. But what crushed Kurt were the guilt and the pain that had kept Noah from meeting Kurt and Ben in Noah’s _own_ bed. Noah had been Sam’s best friend, his business partner, the man Sam chose to stand by him for his wedding to Kurt.

 The man who had been making lo- fucking Kurt since he became a widower almost twenty months ago.

 “Found the bottle?”

 “Yeah, yeah. Ah, here.”

 “Thanks.”

 Kurt braved himself to offer Noah a smile that should be reassuring, but that felt equally awkward at best.

 Noah had heard him, and Kurt didn’t know what to do to make things better, not again.

 “Join us?”

 Noah perched himself on the corner of the bed, cautious not to touch Kurt, keeping his distance and guarding himself. The tip of his fingers touched the sole of Ben’s socked feet. Ben suckled on the nipple of his bottle, eyelids heavy and little fingers playing with the hen of Noah’s T that Kurt was wearing, unaware of the tension goose-bumping their skins.

 And the silence. Kurt wouldn’t drown in it; he wouldn’t let Noah. “Noah, I…” But Kurt didn’t know how to create a safe net for them, not alone. He would need Noah’s help for that and for so much more.

 “Is this… Is this okay, Kurt?” Noah pleaded for Kurt’s reassurance with his whispered question. “Am I crowding you? I don’t… Fuck, Kurt. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”

 Neither would Kurt; he wouldn’t let Noah walk out on him and Ben again. Never again. “I can do this on my own, Noah, raise Ben, make sure he grows up to be the man Sam and I had dreamed he would be.”

 “Yeah, you could Hummel.” Noah tried to smile, miserable, resigned. “More than anyone else, I know that you could.”

 “But I chose not to, Noah. When I went after you I chose not to. I don’t regret my decision.”

 Noah smiled, vulnerable and trusting. “Spend the weekend with me?”

 “Only if you stop being a fool and get over here. It’s cold, Noah.”

 Noah laughed and a moment later Kurt had his strong arms around his shoulder and demanding lips against his. Pressed between them, Ben kicked his feet and grunted in protest. “Hey, dude. Get a grip.”

 “Don’t dude my son, Puckerman.”

 “Sorry, princess.” Kurt elbowed his ribs and he laughed, then sobered and smiled. “So you, Benny boy and I are all good?”

 “We will keep you, Puckerman.” Kurt smiled too and breathed in unison with Noah, with Ben and with the universe. “And, Noah?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Ben, you and I are not good.”

 Noah kissed his lips. “No?”

 “No, Puckerman. We are made of awesomeness.”

 Noah laughed. “Course, princess. We are fucking fabulous!”

 *****

Winnie the Pooh rolled its artificial eyes whenever Ben waved his sip cup around – which happened every five seconds – as the baby babbled away to Kurt whatever came to his baby’s mind, taking pause only to shove into his mouth the slices of banana his agile little fingers had turned into a disgusting kind of puree. Some had dried in his hair and nose, along with some of the apple juice that had dribbled down his chin, trainer cup or not. Kurt had no other option but to claim defeat: his son was a slob, and Kurt blamed Sam’s genes for that.  
  
Kurt smirked over the rim of his coffee cup.  
  
Too bad it was up to Noah to keep Ben clean on the weekends they stayed over.  
  
Kurt sipped on his coffee and watched his son’s antics, his previous smirk going from amused to subdued, not in an emo kind of way, only more reflective, perhaps.  
  
When exactly their weekends with Noah had stretched into entire weeks at a time Kurt didn’t know. He could only attest that, come Sunday evening, it was getting harder and harder to go back to the house he and Sam had, with the financial help of their parents, idealized and built up from scratch. Fresh out of college and full of dreams and projects, their life together had been cut too short. In love for six years, two as a married couple, three months as parents, one of them with Sam bedridden, only one month before he lost his battle to cancer.  
  
“Papa… Gabubu! Gaviiii!”  
  
Kurt laughed and a tear fell. Ben, sweet Ben. If Kurt believed in any celestial power, he would be at odds with God for taking his mother and Sam. But he got Ben too, so there may be angels somewhere out there?  
  
“Nana papa?”  
  
Kurt blinked away another tear before munching some of the fistful of mashed banana Ben was offering him. Ben giggled and smeared the remaining banana on his cheeks. “I carried you for nine months, Wilson Benjamin Hummel-Evans. I’ve been raising you since you were born and you’ve learned nothing about keeping yourself neat?” Ben chortled another stream of laughter, banging his cup in the highchair. Winnie the Pooh rolled his eyes like crazy.  
  
“Whatever have Winnie the Pooh done to you, kiddo?”  
  
“Nono!” The bang grew lauder.  
  
“Morning, little buddy.” Noah dropped a kiss on Ben’s head. “Was it banana I tasted in his hair?”  
  
“I’m afraid so.”  
  
“Jesus.” Pitiful flannel pajama pants and ratty tee, Noah stopped midway from bending down to kiss Kurt good morning. “You okay?”  
  
Damn Kurt’s eyes and nose for always getting red when he got emotional. “Of course. Do you want some coffee?” he asked, getting away from the table and from Noah’s prying eyes. “Remember we’re meeting Finn and Mercedes for brunch after dropping Ben off with Vivian and Frank, so have something light for breakfast if you’re hungry.”  
  
“Kurt.”  
  
Kurt braced his hands in the kitchen sink and stopped, his back turned to Noah. He could bitch the hell out of Noah when called princess, man up and be brave when he was referred to as Hummel, but the reverence, the care behind the way Noah said his given name had always been Kurt’s undoing.  
  
Gently getting hold of his arms, Noah turned him around to face him. “Are you okay?”  
  
Kurt looked up meeting Noah’s concerned, understanding eyes. What would have happened to him, to Ben, if Noah hadn’t been there to put him, to put them back together?  
  
“Perhaps there are Guardian Angels too,” Kurt whispered.  
  
“What?”  
  
The sleeve of Kurt’s dark blue robe slid down when he reached up to caress Noah’s unshaved face. “I promise you I’m not upset, Noah. Sometimes I just remember, try to understand why. But I’m fine, really.”  
  
“Okay then.” Noah didn’t pressure him; he never did. Like always, he just shrugged sad, upset, and let Kurt go. “I’ll have whatever Ben’s having, since I’ll be scrubbing it off him later. Have you eaten?”  
  
“I had cereal with yogurt and a cup of coffee. Ben had rice porridge and is messing up with a banana and apple juice. There’s some porridge left in the stove. Do you want me to make you some toast?”  
  
“No, the porridge will do.”  
  
“We’ve got raisins in the fridge.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
 _It’s the first day of the year, Hummel. You have to get it right. He deserves better than that from you._  
  
“Noah?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t I get a good morning kiss, too?”  
  
Noah had barely put the bowl he had in his hand on the sink before he got a handful of Kurt in his arms.  
  
Noah’s kisses; thank you sweet Jesus, angels, archangels or whoever else ruled the world and probably lived in heaven for those kisses that burned, printed, claimed and still helped Kurt find himself, his focus and center when it was over. Kurt was a selfish bitch. Never again he would give Noah the reason to look for this, for what they could have together, anywhere else, with anyone else who weren’t Kurt and Ben.  
  
“You’re helping me create some pretty good memories yourself, Noah,” Kurt avowed after he regained his breath, a whisper so close to Noah’s ear he could feel the smooth touch of lips against soft skin.  
  
Noah shivered and the arms around Kurt got less possessive, more adoring, just like the eyes staring down at him.  
  
“Happy new year, princess.”  
  
In the background Ben kept babbling and making more mess with his breakfast, banging his trainer cup on the high chair, with Winnie the Pooh certainly rolling his artificial eyes at them.

 *****

Sam’s parents’ house was simple in style, large in love and comfort, and held the three most important moments Kurt had lived in his adult life. There was the gazebo in the backyard where the ever romantic Sam had proposed in the oldest possible fashioned way: down on one knee in a black tuxedo and in front of almost a hundred people for the Evans had been celebrating their silver anniversary. Four months later that same gazebo had been the mute witness to their exchanging vows before their families and friends. And then, much to his and Sam’s surprise (and a little bit of embarrassment), never to their regret, Ben had been conceived down in that basement, in the laundry room, while a full party had been going on upstairs, after Kurt and Sam had renewed their vows one year later.  
  
With Sam it had always been that way: explosive, passionate and filled with so much zest. Hence there was the living proof of their love nodding off in the backseat of Noah’s silver Toyota Hilux.  
  
Ironically Noah had, basement celebration aside, of course, been there with them for the three occasions.  
  
Kurt shared a minute of silence with Noah studying his profile, jaw set so hard Kurt feared Noah’s teeth would sink into each other if he didn’t snap out of it soon. “Will you help me with Ben?” Kurt asked softly. “I can’t work the straps of his car seat.”  
  
Noah looked at him behind the dark lenses of his sunglasses. “You must be fuck-“  
  
“Language, Puckerman.”  
  
“He’s sleeping.”  
  
“Well, I’m not.”  
  
“It’s just a car seat, Hummel. All you have to do is unbuckle the latch.”  
  
“So you do it. You bought it, you do it.”  
  
Noah shook his head and snorted in disbelief, but left the car to do as he was told… asked.  
  
Now if Kurt could just make him walk up the front yard to the Evan’s door with him and see for himself that neither Vivian nor Frank held this… thing Kurt and Noah had going on against them.  
  
By the time Kurt left the car and joined them on the sidewalk, Noah was swaying Ben back to sleep with the small baby bag Kurt had put together slung on one shoulder.  
  
Kurt smiled and didn’t think twice; he tilted his head up and pressed a soft kiss against Noah’s lips.  
  
And Noah couldn’t have rejected him, this, what Kurt was offering, more effectively. “No.”  
  
“Noah-“  
  
“Not here, Hummel, not today. I owe his parents that much.”  
  
Kurt didn’t back down. “We did nothing wrong.”  
  
“It’s wrong for me, Hummel. _I’m_ in the wrong here.”  
  
Kurt swallowed hard. It hurt, but he understood. He and Noah had welcomed the new year together with a sex marathon that had lasted all night long. Hell, when the clock had chimed midnight, Noah had been deep impaled in Kurt while Kurt rode him and fed him grapes with his mouth and made New Year wishes and resolutions. One of those wishes had already been granted to Kurt – Noah was still there, alive and holding Ben.  
  
For Noah it was the opposite– Sam, Kurt’s deceased husband and Noah’s best friend, wasn’t, and he should have been.  
  
With soft movements to keep Ben asleep, Noah passed the baby over to Kurt and tilted his chin towards the Evan’s doorway. “Mrs. Evan is coming, Hummel.”  
  
Vivian Evans was a small woman with hair as blond as Sam’s had been and a caring personality that had matched her son’s in spades. Their loss hadn’t been easy on her, but Kurt had drawn inspiration in her strength to carry on with his life and stop pushing Noah away.  
  
“You boys were taking so long to come into the house, I came to fetch the three of you,” Vivian said with an apologetic smile and determined steps. “Where’s my little angel?” she whispered, peering under the road runner baby blanket wrapped around Ben. “Oh, dear, he’s growing up so fast.”  
  
“Don’t I know it! One day we will wake up and he’ll be big enough to go to kindergarten or, even worse, to college.”  
  
For a moment Kurt and Vivian had a matching frown in their browns. Vivian’s quick dissolved into a sad smile. “That’s why we have to cherish every moment we have with them.” Turning to Kurt, she enveloped him in a tight hug and kissed his cheek, “How have you been, dear? Happy New Year.”  
  
“Happy New Year, Vivian,” he said, returning her kiss. “I’ve been good, thank you.”  
  
“Oh, you look good, and I guess I know why.” The hug she shared with Noah was a bit more reluctant, but still sincere. “Happy New Year, Noah. We haven’t seen much of you lately, dear.”  
  
“Happy New Year, Mrs. Evans. Work has kept me busy lately,” Noah said awkwardly, looking down at his shoes.  
  
Not a lie, but the truth ran deeper than that. Kurt was sure Vivian had picked on this detail. “Well, so take it as your new year’s resolution to make the time to see old friends. Frank will love the company to watch the game.” Lips curled in a half smile, Noah nodded without making any promises. “Oh, Lord, where are my manners? Come inside and have some hot cocoa. Frank should be back soon from the grocery store.”  
  
Kurt could feel the panic radiating from Noah. “Sorry, Vi, but as I told you on the phone, we’re meeting my brother and Mercedes for brunch. Perhaps another time.”  
  
“Tomorrow then, when you come to pick up Ben, we’ll be expecting you for dinner. I’ll even call your father and Carol, Kurt. Let’s make it a family celebration. You will be expected too, Noah,” she added, smiling in encouragement at him.  
  
However it hadn’t been enough to get Noah to leave his protective shell. “Thanks, Mrs. Evans, but I can’t. I’m having dinner at my ma’s before my sister heads back to college.”  
  
“Oh, okay then.” This time Vivian did sound disappointed. “It’s an open invitation; make use of it.”  
  
“Thanks, ma’am.”  
  
Considering Noah was about to flee, it was time to end their visit. “Let me help you with Ben, Vi, otherwise we’ll be late for brunch.”  
  
“Yes, of course. Bye, Noah. Say hi to your mother for me,” Vivian said, picking the baby bag Noah handed her.  
  
“I will, Mrs. Evans, thanks. I’ll be waiting for you in the truck, Hummel.”  
  
“It will be just a minute.”  
  
“I wish Noah knew Frank and I have no problems with your being together,” Vivian said on their way to her house. “He’s a good man.”  
  
In times like this Kurt wondered if for him and Noah being together meant the same thing it did for any normal person. “I know, mom. Thanks for trying.”  
  
“Oh, so you haven’t dropped the mom thing. For a moment I thought…“ She choked back tears. “I’m sorry, Kurt. Just the idea of losing you too...”  
  
He squeezed her hand. “Not a chance. I just didn’t want to make Noah even more uncomfortable. He’s so stubborn!”  
  
She winked. “Who’s the pot and who’s the kettle in this relationship?”  
  
Kurt sighed. Relationship, what relationship? Noah wouldn’t even join him to have dinner with this side of his family. “Oh, stop that, mom. Here, take your grandson before you get started.” He kissed Ben’s head, missing his baby already. “Bye, sunshine. Be good to granny and gramps and I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
“Am I still gaviiii to him?”  
  
“Yes, and Frank is a long sequence of blown f’s.”  
  
Vivian laughed and kissed his face. “Thanks for bringing him, sweetie. I’ll see you tomorrow,”  
  
“Bye, mom.”  
  
Once he was sure Ben wouldn’t wake up crying, Kurt made his way back to the truck. Noah was as tense as before. More if Kurt were honest with himself.  
  
“I see you are still in good terns with the in-laws.”  
  
“I have no reason not to, Noah. They are family.”  
  
Noah jerked the truck into motion and said nothing else.

*****

Living in the sixteenth largest city in the USA had its perks.  
  
Being gay in blue collar Lima was difficult; being Kurt Hummel in blue collar Lima had proved to be impossible.  
  
Columbus, Ohio wasn’t New York, but it smelled like progress and success. It also had arts, culture, a gay cultural scene, a fashion week (yes!), and, once Kurt had been done with college, Sam.  
  
In his teens, Kurt had dreamed of making New York his home; at twenty, reality became Sam, and thanks for his and Sam’s parent’s insight and wisdom, in Kurt’s adulthood home, dream and reality had blended to take shape of Columbus, Ohio.  
  
Kurt had spent four years in the city with Sam without exploring everything Columbus had to offer. After five months of kind of being officially together with Noah, Kurt was living a rebirth of sorts, rediscovering the city’s appeal.  
  
Walking down Whittier Street with Noah was refreshing, even if the mood between them could give the thin layer of ice melting in the street a run for its money. The hand Noah had placed on the small of Kurt’s back had slipped to Kurt’s hip on their way to Skillet Rustic Urban Food. By the time they reached the restaurant, Noah had Kurt tucked against his side while Kurt enjoyed the masculine scents folded in Noah’s leather jacket and musky aftershave in bitchy silence.  
  
Their hostess apologized for the delay of their reservation, promising their table would be ready in a few minutes. Kurt declined her offer for a complementary drink at the bar and dragged Noah back outside to wait for Mercedes and Finn. He was still mad at Noah and the cold gave him an excuse to stay close to the man without having to talk to him. But lips on lips, tongue against tongue and shared breath was okay.  
  
“Come on, princess. Don’t be mad. You know I was right,” Noah cajoled, raining little kisses along Kurt’s face.  
  
“The Evans like you, Noah, they miss you.”  
  
“I know and I miss them too. You know, after Mr. Schue, Mr. E was the most positive male role model I had to follow in my teens. The man can be so cool. They don’t deserve this, princess.”  
  
“They don’t deserve what?” Kurt asked, kissing the corner of Noah’s mouth.  
  
”They think we’ve been seeing each other for what, five, six months. I wonder what would happen if they found out the truth,” Kurt shuddered against Noah’s side. _No, no, anything but that._ Noah snorted. “You see? This is so fucked up.”  
  
Kurt would have kissed away the grimace worrying Noah’s forehead and upper lip if they weren’t sharing a moment. Or perhaps Kurt should so they could pretend their lives were simple.  
  
“Do you think this is worth it?” Noah asked out of the blue.  
  
Did Kurt enjoy being confused half the time and the other half without a clue about what to do next? Absolutely not! Would Kurt give up the simplicity of having another person just to talk to, to share the ordinary aspects of his everyday life and who respected Kurt and loved his son as if Ben were his own flesh and blood?  
  
Not even if hell froze over and every attempt Kurt had made at setting it back on fire had failed and Kurt had run out of ideas.  
  
“I like our being fucked up together, Noah,” he said smiling at Noah and kissing him on the lips because it was true.  
  
Kurt was caught up in a hug that felt like every single bone in his body could break while at the same time every single pure and honest emotion he possessed was fusing together to never again fall apart.  
  
“And I love being fucked up with _you_ , Kurt.”  
  
Then Noah’s arms were gone, a cheerful and welcoming “Aretha!” reached his ears, and Kurt was left there, standing in the cold.

 *****

Before reaching their twenties, the glee club boys had gone through another growth spurt that added a few more inches to their stature and a lot more grace to their movements.  
  
Well, to all of them but to Finn, who was still all limbs and (even more) height that easily made Kurt disappear in a graceless but heartwarming bear hug. Once Kurt’s teen infatuation and the pain caused by Finn’s homophobic behavior had been put behind them, Finn had gotten better at freely showing Kurt the brotherly affection Kurt had never had any idea he would ever need, but was dearly treasured, especially during the last stages of Sam’s illness.  
  
“Happy New Year, bro!”  
  
“Happy New Year, Finn.” Kurt too had learned how to count on others, and the giant stepbrother of his and the larger than life girl Noah was currently crushing to himself had become the real rock Kurt had leant on through that six month period of crisis. “Thanks for meeting us here after all the excitement from last night.”  
  
Finn laughed. “What excitement? We’re talking Lima, bro; nothing big going on there.”  
  
“Finn, please don’t tell me you spent the last day of the year with mom and dad,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes and already knowing the answer if the meaning behind Finn’s sheepish smile, the one where he lifted just the right corner of his mouth hadn’t changed since Christmas, when he had last seen his brother.  
  
“Just for a little while, then I went to a bar with some of the guys from the shop. It was fun, but a lot less exciting than your evening, I bet,” Finn said, then, twitching his bloodshot eyes from Noah to Kurt, his lips went from an easy smile to a horrified gape. “And if it was, please keep me in the dark,” he added hastily, screwing his eyes shut and sprawling his hands in front of him like a shield ready to block any triple x-rated image his mind could possibly conjure up. The pink in his cheek was definitely not because of the cold.  
  
Now Finn may be okay with the whole gay thing, but he would go blind if he caught the slightest breeze of how Kurt and Noah had rewritten the Kama Sutra the night before. That if the seizures that certainly would follow didn’t kill him first.  
  
“Where’s my boy? Where’s my boy?” A blur made of jeans and magenta came barreling straight to Kurt’s arms, almost knocking him off his feet and saving him from dealing with the consequences killing his brother by mortification might arise.  
  
Laughing and spinning each other, Kurt and the girl from his very heart exchanged many enthusiastic happy new year, baby’s locked in a tight embrace. “Let me look at you,” Mercedes said and Kurt made a show of posing in all angles for Mercedes scrutiny, knowing that his friend wouldn’t mince words to give Kurt a piece of her mind if she thought Kurt wasn’t taking proper care of himself.  
  
Mercedes whistled her approval and pulled Kurt into another hug. “Baby, you look fantastic. There’s just something about you this morning. You glow, Kurt.”  
  
“I’m always telling you that religiously regular facial care will do that to your skin.”  
  
“Nah, this kind of glow can’t be bought in bottles.” She smiled mischievously, full of malice. “You have the glow of a thoroughly, very well fucked bitch.”  
  
“Cedes!” Kurt squeaked slapping her arm. She just laughed again and he joined her. “That’s because I was,” he said without an inch of humbleness, glancing over her shoulder to where Noah was listening to whatever Finn was saying. “All. Night. Long.”  
  
Now it was Mercedes’ turn to squeak and slap him on the arm. “Damn, I’m so fucking jealous, I hate you,” she groaned. “All I did was hang out with my cousins and then head back to my tiny empty apartment and make do with my lovers Ben and Jerry. It was a cold, cold night.”  
  
Kurt winced. “That’s too depressing, Cedes. Will it help if I tell you my fun didn’t start until after we put the child in bed, and that said child woke us up in the middle of the night, just after we had finally fallen asleep?”  
  
“No! Of course not, white boy. It just means that even with a child in the house you’ve been getting a lot more action that I have. Hell, than any of my girl friends have,” Mercedes ranted and then laughed like eating a gallon of ice cream by herself on New Year’s Eve was not such a big deal anymore when in truth Kurt knew it was. “I need food to make up for my bitterness. Why aren’t we having this conversation inside?”  
  
“As if I would talk about my very satisfying sex life in the presence of my brother,” Kurt snorted.  
  
“Too much information, Kurt.”  
  
Kurt jumped to find a blushing Finn, eyes screwed shut again, and a very smugly looking Noah behind them. “How much did you hear?” Kurt asked, fearing the worst.  
  
“Satisfying and sex in the same sentence; that’s enough of a trauma to last me for a lifetime, dude.”  
  
Mercedes and Noah laughed again and Kurt hid his face in Noah’s chest. “I hate you, all of you.”  
  
“Not what I got after the fourth, or was it the fifth time we-“  
  
“Shut up, Puckerman!” and “Holly shit, five times, really?” were shouted the same time their hostess approached their group, very composed despite the rosy tint taking over her face.  
  
“Mr. Evans, your table is ready. This way, please.”  
  
Mercedes and Finn took the lead of the group, bickering things like _That was freaking hot_ an _d Dude, what is it about chicks and two guys fucking?_  
  
Kurt rolled his eyes and reached out for Noah’s hand. “Come on, stud.”  
  
Noah didn’t move, instead he griped Kurt’s fingers and brought their joined hands to his eye level. Noah fluttered calloused fingertips to the strip on Kurt’s finger where his wedding ring would be if they hadn’t buried Sam with it. For months after Sam’s death, Kurt had worn his husband’s ring in a chain. Kurt wasn’t much keen on jewelry, but, Ben aside, that ring had been his last connection to Sam, and Kurt hadn’t been ready to part ways with that part of Sam until three months ago, after he started believing that his getting back together with Noah wasn’t something he should feel guilty about anymore.  
  
“Noah-“  
  
“You never told me what you did with Sam’s ring.”  
  
“It’s in a safe box for Ben, for when he’s all grown up.”  
  
“This kind of connection with his dad will be important when he grows up.” Puck smiled sadly. “I wish mine had left me something like this.”  
  
Kurt thumbed Noah’s face, mapping with his fingers all the lines and scars that made Noah real and perfect, and smiled.  
  
“Our table is ready. Let’s go inside and celebrate.”

 *****

“I swear to God, man, the kid is a natural! In no time he’ll be following me around the sites, and by the time he’s done with college he will be my business partner, just like his daddy.” Noah paused long enough to flag down their designed waiter for more coffee before going back to the task at hand: drown Finn and Mercedes in the innumerous pictures of Ben stored on his cell phone. “Do you see how well he fit the blocks? They‘re all aligned up and shit, and he did that all by himself, didn’t he, Kurt?” Kurt nodded, hiding a smile behind a large cup of organic hot tea He winked at his brother and Mercedes, who in turn could barely contain their amusement, but Noah didn’t seem to be too concerned about their friends’ reaction. “Princess here even says our little man is all color coordinated and stuff, whatever that means.”  
  
“The colors don’t crash,” Mercedes explained, tapping the colored blocks in Ben’s makeshift tower. “Pastel goes with pastel, primary with primary, and so on. Even when he’s daring, he does all right.” At Finn’s confused stare, she pointed to another particular combination. “Brown and green make a boring combination, but see how the orange block makes them livelier.”  
  
Finn hesitated. “Does it?”  
  
“Jesus, Finn, why am I even trying?” Mercedes grunted, exasperated. “You’ve always been totally style blind.”  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong with jeans and stuff?”  
  
“Nothing, Finn; just try a splash of color every now and then,” Kurt said indulgently, leaning against Noah’s side. “You are so tall and handsome; you should go for more than basics on a daily basis.”  
  
Finn dug into his Fingerling Potatoes. “What’s the problem with basics?”  
  
“This is the guy who used to wear corsets and skirts to school, dude.” Noah finally flipped his cell phone shut and put it back in his pocket. “You really wanna get into this shit with him?”  
  
“See, daring,” Mercedes nodded.  
  
“I also remember a shit load of dumpster dives and facial slush for his being daring,” Finn said, waving his fork back at Noah.  
  
“There will never be enough dumb jocks in the world to beat the diva out of some of us,” Kurt pointed out with enough venom to make Noah, who had the decency to blush, squirm in his seat. “So daring is it.”  
  
“Jesus, Hummel, I let your child dress me up. Isn’t it enough of a payback for you?” Noah asked uncomfortably, to which Kurt answered by lifting one perfectly manicured eyebrow.  
  
“You let my twenty month old nephew dress you up?” Finn laughed.  
  
“Back off, Hudson. All the kid does is point out a tee for me to wear in the morning, that’s it.”  
  
Still Finn laughed. “You’re so whipped, man.”  
  
“I think that’s sweet,” Mercedes smiled.  
  
“I think you should mind your own fucking business,” Noah grunted. “I’m no pussy.” Mercedes and Finn then proceeded on taunting Noah by calling out lots _kitten, kitten, kitten_ and _meows._ Noah finally gave up and laughed with them. “You watch your back, Hudson. I’ll get you for that.”  
  
“Bring it on, dude.”  
  
“When will you two grow up?” Mercedes piped in, rolling her eyes. Then, steering the conversation to a safer subject, she turned back to Kurt. “You think Ben will follow his daddy’s footsteps and go to architecture school, too?”  
  
Or maybe not, judging by the sudden scowl that wiped out Noah’s smile; Sam had been the architect in their business venture.  
  
Kurt tried to summon up memories that would never be of Sam sitting in his stool with Ben in his lap, teaching their child angles and shapes and how to turn lines and curves into buildings and bridges, but all he could see were Noah and Ben laughing as they built up multicolored wooden blocks and knocked them down afterwards. If nothing else, Kurt could live the rest of his life for that reality alone.  
  
“Not architecture,” Kurt answered Mercedes with his eyes lingering on Noah, “Engineering.”  
  
Noah looked up with his eyes wide open with surprise and apparently at a loss for words. “Engineering, okay,” he finally managed to babble at Finn and Mercedes, both of them smiling their approval.  
  
“Engineering is good, but Grandpa Burt will be disappointed if his grandson doesn’t take over the business.”  
  
“You’re overseeing the shop, Hudson. You give him grandkids of your own to take over the business.” Noah’s goofy grin just about erased any rash effect his remark could have carried, and Finn flipped him off. Mercedes laughing beside Finn diverted their attention.  
  
“What’s so funny, Cedes?”  
  
“Oh, Kurt,” she gasped out from behind a napkin. “The curse of flannel shirts will haunt you for another generation, sweetheart.”  
  
Kurt released a painful sigh. “What can I do? That’s a high price to pay when all the important men in your life are so fond of those atrocities.”  
  
“I’ll remember that next time your royal naked butt gets cold in the middle of the night.”  
  
“Jesus, Puck, stop talking about my brother and sex, will you?”  
  
“Chill, Hudson; you’re the one bringing up sex every time I say something. That’s creepy, man.”  
  
As their debacle went on, Mercedes sighed amidst another forkful of whole grain pancake. “Did you imagine that’s how you would be spending your first morning of the year?”  
  
If Mercedes meant reminiscing about how far him, his best friend ever, his former high school crush turned step-brother and former high school tormentor turned lover had to go through to share a table in a restaurant that was akin to a heart attack waiting to happen and still be thankful for that…  
  
Kurt shrugged and winked at Mercedes. “Shame on me, isn’t it?”

 *****

Kurt’s days as McKinley High’s only openly gay kid were long gone and nowadays people were less intolerant about whom he went to bed with. There were also less disgusted grunts and dark stares floating around whenever he got more affectionate with Noah (mostly because Noah’s bad boy attitude was still pretty much intimidating) than when he had exchanged the same small kisses and little touches with Sam in public. It could be a pain, but that was okay; Kurt was not one to let others command his life, and with Sam by his side, it had been like he could have conquered the world.  
  
Then life happened, and joyful and painful experiences both in his past and present had shaped Kurt in harder clay whereas Ben had smoothed out his soul. Still Kurt could finally say he was becoming his own man, bending the world to make it his own personal bitch, and paving his own road to go wherever he chose to.  
  
So why did Noah set Finn on his tail to make sure he didn’t go to the lady’s room when he took a bathroom break? And why in hell-  
  
“My lips are chapped, Noah!” The grip around his fingers tightened as Noah escorted him faster out of the restaurant. “Mercedes may need my help,” he said in a vain attempt at sensitizing his… whatever Noah was.  
  
Noah opened the restaurant door and pulled him into daylight; Finn stayed behind to wait for Mercedes. “She can take a piss just fine without you there to hold her hand.”  
  
“We were making plans for a shopping trip, you moron! And, and my lips are still chapped!”  
  
“Not anymore.”  
  
Tilting Kurt’s head up, Noah spit out the gum he had been munching on to more than swap spit and germs with Kurt; his tongue took its time feasting on everything Kurt’s mouth had to offer, from the tiny crumbs of bread pasted on his teeth that the sweet jasmine tea had failed washing out to the last vestiges of the mint he had sprayed in his mouth seconds before getting out of his chair to follow Mercedes to the restroom.  
  
Kurt heard a door open, someone that sounded like Finn gasp something like _Jesus_ , a Mercedes-like-voice squeaking _What_ and the restaurant door banging shut. The people in the street were probably turning their heads and saying obscenities behind their backs, some might even be catcalling, but Kurt really didn’t care because Noah was there, tasting like coffee, peppermint gum and something tarter, mustard perhaps, washing out whatever the hell had made Kurt mad at him in the first place.  
  
If it weren’t for the firm grip he had on the lapels of Noah’s jacket, Kurt would have made a fool out of himself by falling boneless at Noah’s feet when he broke the kiss. He couldn’t help whimpering when Noah licked the corner of his mouth.  
  
“You taste better than strawberry, princess.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Your lip gloss tastes like strawberry, but you taste better.”  
  
His mind had been reduced to a quagmire of jumbled thoughts, but Kurt couldn’t let such awful mistake go unnoticed. “Lip balm.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Not lip gloss. Lip balm… it’s called lip balm.”  
  
Noah chuckled low and lazily against his cheek. “You still can think?’  
  
“Give me a minute and we’ll even be able to pick up that discussion about I don’t know what exactly from where you kissed it out of me.”  
  
“No can do, princess,” Noah said before his lips once again took charge of stopping any kind of conversation Kurt could have attempted at restarting.  
  
“Fuck it, man; the two of you are at it again?”  
  
This time Kurt broke the kiss and smiled at Finn and Mercedes, flushed and a little embarrassed, but, quoting Finn in vulgarity, so fucking happy.  
  
“Seriously, dude, you gotta stop. It’s like watching my sister making out with my best friend.”  
  
“You don’t even have a sister, Hudson. And I am your best friend.”  
  
“But you do, Puckerman. Imagine Becky making out with me every five minutes.”  
  
“I would have to rearrange your face then, mate,” Noah said matter of fact, cracking his knuckles. “Becky knows better than making out with anyone before she turns thirty!”  
  
“See, duh, that’s what I’m talking about.”  
  
Now that was just too much.  
  
“Get real, Noah; have you forgotten Becky’s a sophomore in college? And Finn, for heaven sake, I’m gay, not a girl.”  
  
“I know, bro, but you’re also the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have, so chill.”  
  
There must have been a compliment there somewhere, but in his fogged mind Kurt couldn’t really think straight, so he turned to Mercedes, who had been enjoying that nonsensical and totally useless argument far too much.  
  
“Do something!”  
  
“But they’re so cute!” Kurt could still muster an evil stare like no one else, and Mercedes knew better than taking any side that wasn’t Kurt’s when the diva in him was about to take charge of the situation. “Okay, boys, enough. Puck, back off! For the next couple of hours Kurt is mine, got it?”  
  
And Noah knew better than putting himself between Kurt and Mercedes. “Backing off now, Aretha,” he said, letting go of Kurt and taking a step back towards Finn.  
  
“Good. Now my boy and I are going to take a walk around the hood and you guys are going to grin and bear it until we are done, understood?” Mercedes’ glare had always been effective to beat up any argument Finn or Noah and sometimes even Kurt could come up with, so they had no other option but follow them to wherever they pleased to go.  
  
And window shopping they went.

*****

Sam had been the one to first introduce Kurt to the German Village in Columbus.  
  
Drawn to its friendly atmosphere, his late husband couldn’t get enough of lazing around that neighborhood surrounded by colorful gardens and stone sidewalks, parks with flowers and plants of exotic colors and textures. Carrying his ancient professional Nikon, the one which required rolls of films and plenty of hours in Sam’s dark room to have them developed, Sam had spent many quiet afternoons chatting up with the locals, good people who stood proud of their heritage and of the place their German immigrant ancestors had first settled in the early-to-mid 19th century. Sam had also loved to take picture after picture of the neighborhood’s unique architecture made of large red-brick houses with wrought iron fences along tree-lined streets. Sometimes Kurt would tag along and indulge Sam by posing for his lenses in various stages of distress and elation, sometimes making faces, other times bitching about the damage the flash would do to his skin, every once in a while smiling with Sam when they found a kind soul to take a picture of them together, always glad for having Sam share his passion with him, even if Kurt didn’t totally understand it.  
  
 _Sam caressed Kurt’s flat belly, raising goose bumps on the skin still hot and sweaty after their lovemaking. “The pictures are for our great-grandchildren. Serious, Peach, they’ll never believe we had once been young and wrinkle free without proof.” Kurt pulled on his husband’s ever long hair and Sam yelped. “Jesus, Kurt! What was that for?”  
  
“Wrinkles is a word to never, ever again be associated with me, do you understand?”  
  
Sam laughed. “You’re nuts, Peach.”  
  
Kurt pulled on Sam’s hair again, this time to bring him down for a kiss. “More respect to the father of your child.”  
  
Sam grinned and moved down to lavish Kurt’s belly with kisses; Kurt laughed. “Don’t mind your papa, baby. He knows daddy is crazy about him. And he’s crazy about me. And we are crazy about you. Yeah, we are. We…”  
  
Sam moved up again to come face to face with his husband. Slowly their laughter died down and they just stared at each other. The awe caused by the miracle they had both created and just found out Kurt was carrying shone brighter and brighter in Sam’s eyes until a tear fell, then another, and then another. Sam’s beautiful face grew blurrier too and moments later both were crying, kissing and making love again.  
  
“I love you,” Sam said moving deep inside of Kurt, “Father of my child, my miracle bearer.”  
  
“The man you will grow wrinkle-free old with,” Kurt choked with laughter, pleasure and tears.  
  
“Forever young, Peach,” Sam gasped when he came seconds after Kurt had cried his name in release, “And happy, and free.”_  
  
His Sam, so happy and free; his forever golden boy.  
  
Kurt snapped back from the memories and looked down at Mercedes, responding to the slight tug on the arm linked with hers and smiled apologetically.  
  
“What’s going on in this pretty head of yours?”  
  
He considered stalling for a little longer; but keeping what was going on in his mind to himself would make this whole trip pointless. Kurt knew exactly what he wanted, what he needed to do the moment he had invited Noah, Finn and Mercedes for brunch. Considering the way she had stuck to his side and his brother had been keeping Noah entertained a few feet behind them, so did Mercedes and Finn.  
  
Kurt took a deep breath and started making true his first resolution of the year. “So many things, Cedes, but most of all it’s Sam. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.”  
  
“More than usual?”  
  
“Not more, Cedes, it’s just been different. I can close my eyes and see him happy and healthy, you know? I can see the boy and the man he used to be before he got sick without…” Kurt weighed the words, chose carefully and smiled; talking about Sam didn’t have to be a struggle, not anymore. “I can be thankful for what we created together, for Ben; for seeing him in our child and still be able to smile.”  
  
Mercedes kissed his cheek and rested her head against his arm. “I’m happy for you, Kurt.”  
  
Kurt dropped a kiss on the top of her head and they kept walking in silence.  
  
They headed south, towards S. High Street, browsing a few store windows every now and then, but Kurt’s heart wasn’t really into appreciating the local art. As Schiller Park got closer, his heart beat faster and he tugged hard at Mercedes’ arm. She patted his hand and entwined her fingers with his, urging him forward until they reached the corner of S. High and Whittier, where they stopped to wait for Finn and Noah.  
  
Kurt closed his eyes trying to breath through the anxiety shaking his limbs.  
  
“Your hands are sweaty,” Mercedes said, moving her hand up and down his arm, her many rings rasping the wool of his coat. “Do you want me to talk to him?”  
  
“He deserves to hear it from me, Mercedes,” Kurt protested, ignoring the bile rising in his throat, its bitterness almost making him gag.  
  
“You will talk to him, Kurt, just not now.” Unlinking their arms, she immediately stepped in front of Kurt and caught both of his hands in hers. “He will understand, baby. He always does.”  
  
“Until when, Cedes?”  
  
Kurt glanced over Mercedes’ shoulder, just for a second. It was enough to make whatever Noah had seen in his face make Noah quicken his steps, Finn hot on his heels.  
  
“I’ll talk to him. You go ahead and keep walking or there will be no stopping Puck,” Mercedes said. Then she squeezed his hands and turned to talk to Noah.  
  
But Kurt was stuck in place watching Noah watch them with the same apprehension and vulnerability he had shown very early in the morning, when he had carried Ben to the bedroom to be fed, without knowing what was his place in his own house, in Ben and Kurt’s lives.  
  
“That’s okay, Puck. Kurt and I will just head over to the park for a little while,” Mercedes said, making it clear the subject was not open for negotiation. “We’ll be right back.”  
  
But Noah knew. From where they stood, they could see the top of the leafless trees in Schiller Park, and Noah knew what the place meant to Kurt and to Sam.  
  
“Kurt?”  
  
 _Let me go with you._  
  
Such an awkward, pathetic whisper of a question, a plea that made Kurt want to hold Noah in his arms, kiss the pain away and never let go. But in order to embrace the present and welcome the future, Kurt had to let go of the past. Do it by himself, for himself, for the life he wanted with Noah, with Ben, perhaps with another baby or two.  
  
It was for them, Kurt silently told himself, forcing his eyes to meet Noah’s in mute apology. “I promise it’s just for a little while.”  
  
Noah clenched his jaw and looked away. “Whatever, Hummel. We’ll be shooting pool at Gresso’s. You know where it is?”  
  
“Around here, right?”  
  
“About two blocks down the street,” Noah said without looking at him, already on the move. “You coming or not, Hudson?”  
  
“Yeah, be there in a minute.” Finn walked past the human barrier that was Mercedes to stop in front of Kurt. “You okay? Want me to talk to him, to, to tell him?”  
  
Kurt assented, forcing out a smile. “Take care of him for me, please.”  
  
“You bet, bro,” Finn said, a crocked smile tugging the corner of his lips.  
  
Kurt was so out of it, he didn’t bat his brother’s hand away when messed with Kurt’s hair before turning to jog down the street and catch up with Noah.  
  
“You ready?” Mercedes asked sliding an arm around his waist.  
  
Kurt couldn’t breath watching Noah walking away from him again, but he nodded at Mercedes and told her that yes, they could go.  
  
Mercedes pressed herself to his side and together they crossed the street so Kurt could finally start over, going back to the last place in town he had been with his family and Finn before Sam was taken to the hospital for the last time, never to be home again.

*****

Snow covered every inch of ground for as far as their eyes could see.  
  
Where in spring and summer there had been a lush carpet of different shades of green, green grass broken by the splashes of purple, red, yellow and so many other colors that extended until up to where the eyes could see, now there were kids sledding down the small hills the snow that had fallen the past week had created.  
  
The hem of their jeans got wet as they slowly made their way around the park, a landmark here, and another one there pointing out the right way to their final destination. They walked very close to each other, hand in hand in both spiritual and physical support, each holding a cup of steaming coffee in their free hands. They talked very little, mostly Kurt sharing a bunch of feel good memories he had of time spent in that park with Sam and later with Ben. Mercedes laughed and asked the occasional question, but that was Kurt’s show and she let him take the lead naturally.  
  
Kurt first saw the dust of snow capping the top of the umbrella in white. The dripping water of the fountain had formed long tendrils of frosted stalactites waiting for a sunny day to finish their journey from the edge of the girl's umbrella down to the small gated ice-bound pond surrounding the girl in the statue. More frozen snow pooled at the girl’s feet and where the wind, or was it her hand, lifted the hem of her dress. The snow dusting her from head to toe covered her in gelid hues of blue and chilled Kurt to the bones.  
  
 _This is the real essence of youth, Kurt: forever captured in bronze in a stroll that will never end._  
  
“What, sweetie?”  
  
Kurt wasn’t aware he had said something, but he chose not to repeat. It was something between him and Sam in a summer day and that one day he would share with Ben.  
  
“Something Sam used to say,” he said, wiping the corner of his eyes. “Somewhere under all this snow there is Grace’s Garden, Cedes, and that lovely lady is our illustrious Umbrella Girl. Have you heard of her before?” She shook her head no and he continued. “There is a story here. The original statue was the one of the Goddess Hebe, the personification of youth in the Greek mythology. Her name means youth or prime of life.”  
  
“I didn’t know,” she said as, hand in hand, they started walking around the statue.  
  
“She was the cup bearer who served nectar to the Olympian Gods to give them everlasting youth,” Kurt said smiling, remembering the day Sam had told him that same story. They too had walked hand in hand as Sam told him the original statue had been installed as a drinking fountain in another part of the park, in 1872. The umbrella had been added later, in the 1920’s, to shield her from the rain.  
  
“You said it’s not the original. What happened?”  
  
Kurt looked up and smiled as two kids ran past them. “It disappeared in the early 1950’s, to the dismay of the locals.”  
  
“Disappeared, just like that?”  
  
“Just like that,” Kurt nodded. “Searches were made and everything, but they never found it. Decades later a local artist offered to have the statue replaced. This time she got inspiration in the local’s history and heritage. She used her daughter as a model and, _vor_ , a new German Umbrella Girl statue was born.”  
  
Mercedes gave him a little smile. “Is this girl the same Grace this garden was named after?”  
  
“No, that’s another local who had a strong participation in the story of the village despite her young age.”  
  
“You seem awful familiar with everything about this place,” Mercedes said softly, drawing soothing circles on his back.  
  
There was a light stir in the pocket with his cell phone, and another followed soon after; two new messages, probably from Noah. Kurt wasn’t ready to deal with them right now.  
  
“It’s because of Sam. He was fascinated with German Village and he wanted to learn everything about it. He loved it here. We used to come here almost every weekend. Schiller was his favorite park with its many attractions, even an amphitheater which hosts Shakespearean plays in the summer, but this,” Kurt gestured to the frozen pond, “was his favorite corner in the park. He used to say that just listening to the water dripping into the pond put things into a better perspective for him.”  
  
Kurt walked to the bench slightly to the left of the statue, from where they could see the girl’s profile. Despite the snow layering its seat, he rested his knee on its corner, not minding the cold seeping through his jeans. “Many of our dreams for life were made sitting in this bench. We were sitting here when I told him I might be pregnant. We came back here when the doctor told us Ben was on the way. It was the happiest day of our lives. Then six months later we were back here when he told me he was dying.”  
  
He sniffed, the cold air burning his nostrils and his eyes, but he knew the tears falling had nothing to do with the cold  
  
Two weeks from now it would be two years since that fateful day when Sam had helped Kurt sit on the insulated blanket he had used to cover the bench, served them two cups of hot cocoa from a thermos, laid his hand on Kurt’s swollen stomach and shared with him the results of the tests he had taken, at that time a secret Sam had shared only with Noah.  
  
Kurt sniffed again, swallowing his grief for just a little longer. He had just one thing to share and then it would be over. “It was early in the summer. Sam was having a good day and he asked to come here. Finn drove us and stayed around, just in case, but Sam was really fine. We sat here and talked, remembered the good old days and laughed. He had Ben in his lap all the time and he wouldn’t let me cry. When he got too tired to stay here, Finn took our last family picture sitting here. That same night he collapsed, Cedes, and then one week later he was gone.”  
  
When an openly crying Mercedes offered him the comfort of her arms, Kurt didn’t push her away. Without uttering a sound she let him cry for what felt like hours.  
  
Kurt cried for all the picnics Sam wouldn’t be there to see, for all the bedtime stories he would never tell, for all the school recitals and spelling bees he would miss. Kurt cried for the prom pictures Sam would never take and for their son’s valedictorian speech he would not hear. Kurt cried for the driving lessons Sam would not give and for all the father/son experiences Sam would never live.  
  
Kurt cried thankful for knowing that Noah would be there to be the daddy his son deserved and maybe one day, why not, the husband Kurt wanted.  
  
“I loved him so much, Cedes, so much, but I’m tired of feeling guilty for being happy again.” Kurt dabbed at his eyes with his linen hankie, but Lord the tears would not stop. “He told me he wanted me happy, Cedes.”  
  
“Of course he did, baby. I know.” Mercedes was still crying but visibly more composed than him. “Have you told Puck?”  
  
“Not yet and not in so many words. I want what we have to be meaningful, but I don’t know if he wants the same.”  
  
“Want what you have to be meaningful? Kurt, what in heaven’s name are you talking about?”  
  
“I don’t even know if he’s gay, Cedes! Now he cares about me, and he’s crazy about Ben, but what else do I know? Until five months ago this was nothing but a fuck to him,” Kurt said with his facing burning and the tears stinging his eyes once again. “Today you saw how easy it was for him to walk away from me again.”  
  
“Easy for him to walk away from you?” Mercedes shook her head and blinked at him as if to dispel her disbelief at something pretty stupid he feared he had said. “Kurt, you were there when he had to give his daughter up. He looked like someone had reaped his heart with a spoon, stomped on it until it became a bloody mess, then handed him a straw and told him to enjoy it. Believe me, boy, I wish I would never have to see that look on his face ever again, and one hour ago I just did.”  
  
Mercedes’ words slammed into him with the same impact of him running head first into a brick wall. Trust Mercedes not to let denial be just a river in Egypt.  
  
“You won’t let me go away with this bullshit, will you?”  
  
“And make your life any easier? Why should I, white boy? You know how much I love seeing the diva in you” She laughed and he smiled, just a little. “Under the risk of hurting you just a little more, I want you to think about something. And you have to be honest with yourself, Kurt.”  
  
“What?” he asked, bracing himself for even more pain.  
  
“Forget the last five months, okay, and think about all the other times you and Puck had sex, before he broke things up with you. Gay or not, he never treated you like a cheap fuck even then, did he?”  
  
Kurt ignored everything raw and that spoke of emotion rolling in his heart, put everything weighing in his stomach aside, and tried to be objective. Kurt had looked for Noah that first time, about three months after Sam’s passing, and all the others. In his grief he had just wanted to forget, to feel something that wasn’t pain, and every single time he felt even more miserable when it was over. But Noah had never treated him like a hole to be fucked. Even in the times in the very beginning, when Kurt made Noah take him from behind, or when he cried Sam’s name in his release, or later, when he would turn his face when Noah tried to kiss him, or when Noah woke up in the middle of the night to find Kurt crying in the shower or in Ben’s bedroom and left Kurt and Sam’s house without a complaint and would still be a phone call away whenever Kurt needed him, he had never disrespected Kurt.  
  
He had instead done everything he could to show Kurt that he was real. Be it a sigh or a kiss placed on his forehead, whispered words of comfort while Kurt cried on his shoulder, Noah had been the only element to connect Kurt to reality in a way no one else could. Kurt was not proud of what he had done, and the only thing that had differed Noah from a hooker then was that Kurt didn’t pay Noah when they were done.  
  
Kurt staggered backwards and fell on the snow covered bench, the cold seeping through his clothes less than an inconvenience. “You didn’t lie when you said it would hurt.”  
  
She squatted in front of him and ran her hand on his face. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”  
  
“All those times … Why did it take him that long to turn me down, Cedes?”  
  
“I think you know why, Kurt,” she said, mirroring his sad smile. “You are not a bad person, Kurt. I don’t think you took anything he wasn’t willing to give at that time, but things are different now. You know he needs more. You should ask yourself if you are willing to give it to him.”  
  
“I think it’s already his. Ben and I, we can’t do this without him, Mercedes. I don’t… I don’t want to be without him.”  
  
They would have cried again if Lady Marmalade hadn’t blasted from Mercedes’ cell, making them jump apart with an embarrassing shriek.  
  
“Hi, Finn,” she said, slightly out of breath. “No, we are done here. Why? Is he crazy?” By now Kurt was up on his feet, trying to get the phone from Mercedes, but she stretched her arm to keep him away. “No, tell him… Finn, hear me out, Kurt is fine. Tell Puck we’re on our way... Tell him what? All right, okay, I’ll tell him… Finn, I’ll tell him and we’re going… Okay. See you guys in a few and tell him not to do anything stupid. Okay, bye.” Mercedes closed her cell phone and released a long sigh that sounded amused and painful at once.  
  
“What? What happened? Is Puck-“  
  
“Puck is fine, baby, but well on his way to get drunk. Finn needs us to meet them now.”  
  
“Drunk? Why would he get drunk?” Kurt gathered the coffee cups they had dropped without even noticing, dropped them in the nearest trash can, and rushed Mercedes across the park. It was a long way to the exit. “Mercedes, talk to me!”  
  
“Finn told him about the picture and why you needed to come here without him, and now he thinks you hate him. By the way, check your cell. He panicked because you wouldn’t text him back.”  
  
“Oh, dear, I felt my cell vibrate, but didn’t check it,” he said, pulling his cell out of his overcoat pocket. “I should have checked it, Cedes.”  
  
“Stop beating yourself and do it already, will you?”  
  
“Yeah, right.” There were three messages and one missed call. “He texted me.”  
  
“Of course he did. Now check it already, Kurt!”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
The first message was a simple _im an ass. pls im sorry_ , the second was a slight variation of the first one, and the third message made Kurt gasp.  
  
“What?” Mercedes said, trying to read the message too.  
  
“It’s a poem… It’s, it’s beautiful.”  
  
“Mind if I read it?” After a moment hesitation, he smiled and started reading it to her.  
  
“Shook down on me  
The dust of snow  
From a hemlock tree  
  
Has given my heart  
A change of mood  
And saved some part  
Of a day I had rued.”  
  
“I want a Noah, too,” Mercedes whined and Kurt let loose the first laughter of pure, simple joy since they had gotten to the park.  
  
“Go find yourself your own Noah; this one is very much taken,” Kurt said, his finger quickly typing a simple reply: _On my way. Wait for me, please?_  
  
Kurt and Mercedes were rushing through the park hand in hand when his cell buzzed again.  
  
 _b waiting u @ t park entrance_  
  
Kurt stopped only long enough to text his own answer; a promise in disguise that now he feels ready to make.  
  
 _I’ll meet you halfway there._  
  
Then he took a deep breath, smiled at Mercedes, and all but run to meet Noah. He had a promise to keep.  


*****

  
_Vor = voilà_  
  
 **Links**  
  
Goddess Hebe  
http://www.goddess-guide.com/hebe.html  
  
Urban/Gressos  
http://skilletruf.com/  
http://www.gressos.com/  
  
German Village  
http://www.gvbusinesscommunity.com/stroll/  
http://germanvillage.com/  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Village  
  
Schiller Park  
http://germanvillage.com/visitors-center/stroll/schiller-park  
http://www.touring-ohio.com/central/columbus/schiller-park.html  
  
Umbrella Girl  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oeMlx7JMME  
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_RB2EBocHk_I/S3C2nXcZ3eI/AAAAAAAAA7U/7dg0MQD6uLI/s1600-h/February+2010+f+017.jpg  
  
The poem is Dust of Snow, by Robert Frost  
  
 ***g*l*e*e*  
Thanks for reading. Now it’s on to Noah’s story. I hope to see you there.**


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